After Today

My job has been an ongoing issue for me...i spend 8 hours miserable, 5 days a week, which translated into 120% bitchiness for Pad, bless his tolerant heart, and a heart cobwebbed with doubt. I was entirely unsure there was a reason to keep on trying when the end result was this. This job. This brainless job, utterly without benefit, except the teeny paycheck.

For the record, the paycheck WAS my goal. I needed to stay in Chicago, and that paycheck helped, and I don't regret it for a sec.

BUT see how happy my puppy is, right there on the beach? I am that happy to never have to spend a day there again.

Crystal Mountain

My cousin DJ has been dating his girlfriend (now wife) for years, and finally made it official this summer. The wedding was at Crystal Mountain, a stunningly beautiful ski resort and hotel. We had to take two horrible ski lifts (so much creepier without snow beneath) to the summit for pictures. I wasn't in the wedding party, mind you, but the view was worth it.

Most of the weekend I hung out with my cousins, something I haven't done in at least 4 years. In fact, I haven't seen much of the family since Ashley died. It was long overdue.

I tried to take a picture of the northern lights while my cousin Joel pointed out constellations at 2 am, after a few of us stayed late at the reception and closed the place.

After the wedding, I decided to reconnect with high school friends, who I'd also been fairly successfully avoiding for 4 years....

TO BE CONTINUED OOOOHHHH HOW EXCITING HUH????

Crybaby

When I don't take my meds, I cry.

Like sobbing for hours, end-of-the-world, unstoppable downpour, are you even serious sort of crying.

Now, faithful readers will recall that I sometimes avoid my meds, take them sporadically, or stop altogether. I do this because I get frustrated taking pills that make me so tired so often, that killed my sex drive for a long while *, and make me feel invalid-ated. (get it, like an invalid? but also not-validated? It's funny on a lot of levels, reader-san.)

BUT this is not my fault. I went to my drugstore last weekend, asked for refills, got one and not the other. Now my anti-anxiety meds, which were prescribed specifically because I was still suicidal and wqeeping coinstantly on heavy doses of anti-depressants, are not in stock.

For a week, they've been not in stock--at least, I assume they have, because walgreens hasn't called like they said they would.

SO....

either my meds are there and they're too fucking stupid to call someone on the HIGHEST FUCKING DOSE ALLOWED who asked for a refill a WEEK ago,

or they're NOT restocked, meaning it takes over a week to get medications in, IF they ordered them, IF they're not retarded, which is a big fucking lot of IFs when my life is at stake.

I'm not near danger, reader-san. But I have been. and I could be. And my eyes are swollen and sore from crying, and the only thing keeping me happy with the day is assuming Karma, or Fate, or Someone will ream the fucking asshole, shortsighted, thoughtless pharmacist who dropped the ball.

No, really, they deserve to die.













*different story, different day.

So

It's been a crazy workday and I meant to write a blog, but I won't be doing so until after I work out, go home, and devour my puppy.

I am hungry for cute.

It's about that time...

This is Kai. Kai is comprised of marshmallows, so it's utterly acceptable (if not necess) for me to gobble him up.

I just want to point out that I want about ten thousand babies right now. But really just a few, one at a time, and they will be (judging by my family's babies so far) very chubby, beautiful, and have me wrapped. WRAPPED like a christmas present.

See Kai up there in the santaman outfit? I almost slipped him into my purse and took him home with me. Damn you, dilligent Parent parents.

Tummy Tamer

My tummy's been giving me noise for the last few...er...months.

Now I've always had a weak stomach, not for blood or violence ( cutters don't happen to be a PARTICULARLY squeamish lot, if you can believe it) but for stress and food. Stress makes me tense and unable to breathe, and eating when I'm stressed makes me sick.

Still, loyal followers, y'all who know my history know I have to eat. I can't skip eating for a few days just because everything in my system hurts. I can't even stop eating because I'm pissed that I have to eat crappy food to digest my meds, and meds because I'm depressed, and so forth.

To be clear, I love good food.

I also dislike bad food on a deeply personal level.

Somehow I don't think I've lost any weight, but I haven't gone on a scale for the last 6 months, at least. Somehow, having no disposable income, no time to shop and no energy to go out at night, the exact number of pounds ceases to matter.


And still I feel very diminished. Maybe it's because my body won't freaking relax.