Foot by Foot

Last summer, I went to my cousin DJ's wedding at Crystal Mountain, a truly beautiful spot where I saw the northern lights for the first time. Family weddings have a tendency to be huge (my mom has 12 siblings) and it turns out my favorite people in the world are my family. This picture was taken at the top of the mountain, after a terrifying ski-lift ride over very pointy-looking terrain. Look at that blue sky!

This is my first summer in San Francisco/Oakland. I spend time every day applying for jobs, looking up my friends online (thank you facebook) and hanging out with Chris. I've gotten ONE, yes ONE job interview from all my applying thus far. The interview was this Tuesday, and I think I did well. As much as a person can tell how they did in a job interview, I think I did ok.

My mom is in town for the week, and although she has a presentation to finish today, we're going for pedicures this afternoon. We found her some new cute heels yesterday, so a pedicure is only fair, I think. I'm getting one so she has someone to chat with and help pick a nail color...ok, I'm taking the free pedicure for my myself, ok? Ok!

It's so nice to see my mom, since I've been having a bit of a crisis of belief (in myself) and she doesn't see it that way. My mom is, in fact, my biggest fan, and thinks the writing and art and theater I do is great! Sure, the cliche thing to mention would be that she's my mom and thus obligated to feel that way, but i know a lot of people whose parents simply don't GET what their children try to do in the arts, and don't like them doing it. My mom loves what I do, and that's so good to hear and see when she visits.

I have a lot of unstructured time thee days, and it's been driving me a little crazy. When there's no work to be had, and no creative juices flowing, everything seems darker and suddenly you fear there's no place for you in the world. I've been going to bed early and getting up late, dragging my self-pitying ass around as if the universe is going to swallow me up any minute now, and it's....no....fun. Feeling like a worthless piece of pooh is utterly no fun.

BUT, although i was nervous at first about seeing her while I was feeling this way, having my mom here is a blessing and a delight. She really loves Chris, she REALLY loves me, and she's a woman I admire. She reminded me yesterday that she went back to school at 35 to get her PhD in Accounting, so although it feels like she's had her dream career her entire life, that really isn't the case. It's good to remind myself that we're all trying to find a way to live that makes us fulfilled and happy, and there's no prescribed way that fits all people.

So some days I will have to apply for jobs, hear nothing back, and handle it until the next day. Some times my stomach will feel like a hot lump of stress, and I can handle that too. Looking forward to a pedicure and showing Chris my shiny new nails!

Blue Wednesday

Today we went into the city. I applied for some jobs, we came home, and now there's banana bread in the oven. This is all very exciting, I'm sure.

The creative block continues, although i forced myself to collage (see above) before giving up entirely and turning on Adult Swim. Yes, I'm watching Family Guy as i type my blog. Yes I am comfortable telling the world all this.

Dante and Cormac are collapsed, respectively, on the chair and the couch. Exhausted, no doubt, by the long day of eating and being petted and sleeping and poohing. They are the image of righteous exhaustion.

It's not fair to do one sentence a paragraph, but it makes me feel I've accomplished something.

Ok that one wasn't even a long sentence.

Chris is off biking to working out and i find it difficult to write a brief summary of my daily activities. MY daily activities which as of now do not include any gainful employment. Hence the job search.

I thought if i just hauled off to California, with my heart strong and graduate school chosen, i would somehow seamlessly become a Writer, and published at that. Mistakes were made. Errors occured. I failed my first class. Exciting, eh? And writer's block. Woo hoo. Now I'm intent on at the very least blogging every day. That? I can do.

Job

If we've met, however briefly, you are aware that I hate looking for work. Job hunting is the single most frustrating activity in existence. I'm in a new city, looking for work that doesn't suck.

If anyone would like to hire me to make earrings such as the one pictured above, i'll take the job. Right now. boom.

July 9th, 2010

We had wine with the family and cheeseburgers at a bar, and Chris's surrogate brother is spending the night. All is good, I am living with my best friend who loves me. Yay.

My hair is much longer now than in this photograph. Which I took of myself. Girls like doing that a lot.

I have a headache and I'm going to a boyfriend's-family gathering tomorrow, so I may be getting to bed soon. Not without blogging first, however.

The futon is clean and dry, no thanks to the horrible cat. I have laundry to do and a headache. Have I mentioned the damn headache?

Chris is going to be wearing a button-up shirt. He looks ADORABLE in button up shirts. I'm excited!

OY. Headache. Goodnight.

(a button-up! YAY!)

On the Prowl

I moved to California in December, and since I came here, I haven't yet settled into life. I still feel like this is an extended trip of sorts, a vacation from real life. I live with my high-school crush, and he loves me back. I got into graduate school, like I dreamed. I'm still reeling from all the good fortune.

I have writers block. Writing about writers block is frustrating. writing about writing about writers block is infuriating. Avoiding writing about writers block isn't helping. So I'm going to have to write every day, whether I'm inspired or not. Because I miss how easily the words came to me when i was miserable, and I have no intention of being miserable again, so The Rules have changed. Let's see how this works out, shall we?

Kai Ken, Kith and Kin.

(This is a Kai Ken, or 'tiger dog'....The next inevitable step towards utter asian-breed obsession. I've considered getting a 2nd dog, and this would be it. Cormac and Rosetti would be ever so happy together.)

Reader-san, I am a negligent jerk, and I'm so sorry if you've been frustrated in stalking me due to my inability to blog. That's right, Stalker. I know who you are and I refuse to cater to your needs and thank you for those nice translucent curtains, they really brighten up the living room.

It took me nigh 11 months, but I got into a masters program for illustration, so i am officially an art student. I'll be attending the Academy of the Arts in San Francisco in spring 2010. I leave Chicago in January.

These last few weeks of 2009, I'm packing, working two freelance projects (not to mention editing my mom's papers), setting up my financing for grad school, and hanging out with Pad before I move. It's a hectic time.

Now, for the record, Pad has never read this blog. It was his call and I appreciate the sentiment, although i'd be just as happy wwith him reading the blog. It's not a secret life, not too racy....my parents are computer literate, let's leave it there. He has, however, encouraged me to write lately. Write and draw and publish however I can. That, reader-san, is awesome. Pad, who will not read this, you are fucking fantastic to cheer me on the way you do.



It also turns out I'll be attending art school with Chris and Phil, and living in the same city as Elaine, Jenn, and Nathalie (soon?), all former WHS AP/IB classmates. I cannot describe how overwhelmed and grateful I am to have reconnected with my high school friends. Because, um, I spent a few years very deliberately trying to erase any memories of living in Utah. Casualties of this idiotic idea were thankfully few.

To explain, my sister died. I didn't blame Utah, but I did hate it, anything that reminded me of it, and to a certain extent anyone I knew when she was sick. I made an active effort to be open about the problem (eating disorders, like all nightmares, are much less scary when spoken aloud), and having sweet, loving friends, I was screwed.

They cared way to much to ignore my grief, and I wanted to burn it out and scatter the ashes. No processing, no making it feel better. At the time, apathy was damn appealing, and it's hard to go numb surrounded by people who love you. Kendra was the exception, everyone else I avoided or talked to only online.

Years later, my friends haven't said a damn word about it, bless their hearts. They responded to every clumsy email I managed to send out, they sought me out, they still loved me. I am crazy fucking lucky.

Now I get to live in a city with half a dozen best friends. YAY!

Friendly Fiends

Went out to Cali this week, to interview for a new job and get my portfolio photographed by a great photographer (totally spoiled my usual habit of scanning pictures for the rest of my life, Dammit) It was beautiful, 70 degrees the entire time, and only a little bit foggy when the sun set over the ocean...which was worthwhile since, ahem, i was watching the sun set over the fucking ocean.

The final two steps of my application are submitting the fee (which is kinda freakin high if you ask me) and writing my statement of intent That, my friends, will be an exercise in control.

Artists' statements are inherently pretentious. I hate them, never read 'em in galleries, and kinda want to punch artists who insist on including a paragraph with every pretty thang they draw. It's the same reason I never listen to my improvisor friends' podcasts. Yes, the show was fun. NO, decribing why you made the show fun in the way you made it fun is NOT interesting; it's annoying and about as useful as being your own copy-editor. Fuckin cannibals.

Riding two planes in 48 hours gave me quite a cold. I can't focus. *sigh*

After Today

My job has been an ongoing issue for me...i spend 8 hours miserable, 5 days a week, which translated into 120% bitchiness for Pad, bless his tolerant heart, and a heart cobwebbed with doubt. I was entirely unsure there was a reason to keep on trying when the end result was this. This job. This brainless job, utterly without benefit, except the teeny paycheck.

For the record, the paycheck WAS my goal. I needed to stay in Chicago, and that paycheck helped, and I don't regret it for a sec.

BUT see how happy my puppy is, right there on the beach? I am that happy to never have to spend a day there again.

Crystal Mountain

My cousin DJ has been dating his girlfriend (now wife) for years, and finally made it official this summer. The wedding was at Crystal Mountain, a stunningly beautiful ski resort and hotel. We had to take two horrible ski lifts (so much creepier without snow beneath) to the summit for pictures. I wasn't in the wedding party, mind you, but the view was worth it.

Most of the weekend I hung out with my cousins, something I haven't done in at least 4 years. In fact, I haven't seen much of the family since Ashley died. It was long overdue.

I tried to take a picture of the northern lights while my cousin Joel pointed out constellations at 2 am, after a few of us stayed late at the reception and closed the place.

After the wedding, I decided to reconnect with high school friends, who I'd also been fairly successfully avoiding for 4 years....

TO BE CONTINUED OOOOHHHH HOW EXCITING HUH????